​today is november first.
i wanted to launch my blog today.

three years ago, I died today.
not like, really actually died,
although i guess i came pretty close theoretically, that day,
and other times.

but who I was before this day three years ago, she died.
she didn't know she was going to wake up having died.
didn't know she was going to wake up a new person.
didn't know if she'd fucking wake up,
sometimes.

six weeks in the hospital. eight days were in icu.
it was six months before i was allowed to eat food
food. f o o d. no food. for six months.
i was fed intravenously, TPN, bright yellow "banana bags"
but i always thought they kind of smelled like french fries

and there was a tube, and formula feeds in my tummy,
for awhile.
the memories get hazy.

the whipple procedure cuts you all open and cuts your guts out
and then reconnects your digestive tract and
my pancreas leaked
into a bag I safety pinned to the waist of all my pants so that the tube wouldn't tug
for like, a really long time.

it stunk.
and my iv tubes would beep all through the night
and the word "occlusion" was both a curse and
a joke.

three years ago today, I died, but I came out,
or at least, I haven't died all the way yet.

i wanted to launch my blog today.
but the patreon hasn't been set up and the buttons direct weird and the photo menu won't populate why does everything populate except the photos and i haven't actually written my story yet i was going to launch with my story but this is coming along pretty cool and the ideas are coming along even faster and goddamnit this is so fucking stupid why won't the photos work, all i want to do is change a goddamned photo and god i am tired but i really want to launch my blog today and it's so late it's not even going to be read by anyone tonight anyhow but hey!
i did make it public, so even though no one has the address, i did *technically* launch it today!

and when i felt myself saying that last bit out loud to Gage, i could feel the smile creeping into my cheeks.
i could see that same smile flash in his eyes, in the dark,
where his face immediately lit up from below from his phone,
and he said "what's the site again?"
and i was suddenly on the floor, sitting against the edge of the couch,
leaning into him excitedly
waiting for the screen to load

and there was my blog, my beautiful homepage
and my stupid button that redirects to the wrong page but meh i'll fix it later
look how it's the perfect shade of pink?

and i am so exhausted but

it's november first,
twenty twenty-one.
three years ago, a version of myself died,
and i managed to launch my blog today.