"The gift that my Patrons gave me is freedom and relief. Freedom from the anguish of my financial strain. Relief from an expense that was not planned for, is not regular, but is very real. This month, a wheelchair rental. Perhaps next month, [...] my chiropractor."
The personal aspects of this: mental, physical, emotional work that goes in, I can roll with. Gage can roll with. We do it together, we grow and we stumble and fall and tug each other out of the mud, wipe the dirt from the other's face, and keep trudging. We do the work. We talk together. We go to therapy: apart and grow as individuals, then reconvene to share our growth with one another. I get real weird and introspective and wordvomit all over him, and on the off-chance i shut the hell up for two seconds, he provides his own insight. We can get through those aspects together: mental, physical, emotional exhaustion and rebuilding and time off. We can roll with it. I can roll with it (mostly).
I cannot roll with the financial factor. It breaks my brain.
Mmm, internalized late-stage capitalism, the healthy way to start your day!
Again, this is getting to a point where I... it's so much larger than this.
the cost of terminal illness. That's it's own Thing, it's growing in my mind, honestly so much so I'm terrified i don't know how to harness it with words.
But I'll figure it out.
This electric wheelchair. My Patrons, they paid for it for me. They made the smile on my face possible; y'all that is genuine relief and gratefulness.
Because when Gage and a park employee found me where I was resting, waiting for the wheelchair, and I signed the rental forms, it was the first time I'd ever rented an electric wheelchair. We did Busch Gardens two months ago, during Howl-o-Scream. We brought my personal wheelchair, which is not electric. .... there's a lot of hills and walking. It's a lot of pushing. We're going to rent an electric one next time, we decided. (Physical exhaustion, emotional guilt, mental gymnastics everywhere).
And I don't know why or how, but somehow the idea was given to us that it was only like, $25-30 for a rental??
it is not. it is eighty dollars.
... is this a lot? I feel like this is a lot. Part of me feels like, yeah that sounds about right, but mostly I feel like this is just asinine I am already strugglefucking to be here, I just really want to be able to have a good day with my family but the shows are all over the damn park and now it costs me an additional eighty dollars just to be able to move functionally. This is no one's fault. The park provides a service, it costs a fee. I understand all this.
But it is financially and mentally exhaustive.
Let me bring it back to the goodness, the light, the beautiful sheer excitement that brought that smile on my face. Because when Gage told me it was eighty dollars, and this was just the beginning of the day, we haven't bought the snacks and the souvenirs and what-have-yous, I gasped. I cost us an additional eighty dollars.
The day before, I'd had two new Patrons make pledges. And my payout at the end of this month, currently, will be at just over eighty dollars.
"My Patrons paid for my wheelchair," I say outloud,
and the wave of relief that I felt rush through me...
My Patrons paid for my wheelchair.
The gift that my Patrons gave me is freedom and relief. Freedom from the anguish of my financial strain. Relief from an expense that was not planned for, is not regular, but is very real. This month, a wheelchair rental. Perhaps next month, I'll return to my chiropractor for the first time since COVID first hit two years ago how-- and maybe he can get rid of the unnerving jolting sensations I have been experiencing nonstop, wave after wave of electrical buzzes in my body.
This month a wheelchair rental, next month the chiropractor, the next, continuance of care with the chiropractor. Or massage therapist. Or a lightbox for the crippling seasonal depression. The daily vitamins that seem to really help, but are more expensive because they're the gummies. But they work. But money. It's okay Erin pay the ADHD tax.
do you guys know this term? i love it, it's helped a lot with the mental gymnastics.
My patrons are gifting me the ability to stomach the ADHD tax. Because it's a real financial drain.
All the things that I could do that could help me in my fragile body, they have a financial cost.
But so does food, so does my daughter's extra curriculars, so does ordering delivery when I am too sick after grocery shopping to cook, and too tired the rest of the week still, and the pets need food and litter---
my house is a mess but i cannot physically clean. i could hire a house keeper, i could hire a cleaning service. that would be beneficial, and that would be another financial drain.
the gift that my patrons are giving me is freedom and relief.
thank you for your patronage.
thank you for seeing me raise my hand for help and grabbing ahold and squeezing me tightly.
thank you for hearing me point out the flaws in the system, and instead of saying "oh damn, that sucks," you said "here, let me help you with that."
and even if you aren't a Patron. this is a post to thank my Patrons, but it is not to make anyone feel guilty because they haven't pledged or whatever.
If you are here reading this, sharing this, feeling my words and experiencing the journey alongside of me, I need you here alongside me just as much, and I am just as grateful for you. Thank you, my reader, my friend.
if my words move you, if you find yourself wishing you could help in some way, please, consider becoming a Patron! Your monthly donation supports Little Torch Blog and everything I am doing with it, as well as directly supporting myself and my family.
new to the idea of crowdsourcing, not really sure what it's about or why someone would crowdsource? here's a little more information :)