The odds are never in my favor: let the (monthly) hunger games begin.

I wake up already feeling sicker than usual, and this is disappointing. I frown into my pillow. Why is this? My injection symptoms have more or less faded, the back pain hadn’t been so achy the last few days. And then I remember, and I sigh.
That’s right folx, I’m talking about menstruating today. Buckle in.
Eh, I’m kidding. I mean, yes, that’s what is going on this morning, but that’s not what I’m writing about at large. Let me clarify a bit more.
The odds are never in my favor. I am not saying this to complain, although let me be the first to admit I do complain, often and loudly. But it’s just, true.
May I present to you, the maths:

• Every four (4) weeks I receive my monthly injections. The initial day I’m fine, but the following three or four I am miserable. Exacerbated nausea & vomiting, Body aches, particularly my lower back/top of my butt, depending on where my nurse felt was the “right” section that day. Because it’s a trial drug and a really uncommon applicator and I dont even know man, it’s weird, like everything is with me. Irritability, exhaustion/fatigue, incoherence/fogginess, loss of appetite. Feeling really shitty, generally. Guaranteed three to four days of the month.
• I was genetically gifted with a uterus. Thanks, I hate it. I have an irregular cycle, and I’m not sure if it’s from my birth control I use (nexplanon, do love, highly recommend) or stress all the time or my MENS1 or the whipple— I very much think a combination, but I think it’s generally about every six (6) weeks, and that’s about what it’s been this time, so we’ll say that. Thankfully, mostly in part to the nexplanon again, it’s fairly light and short, so we’ll call this four to five days. But like man, light doesn’t mean pain free, okay? The first time I ever threw up from period pains was the week before my very first menstruation, in middle school, we thought I had a stomach flu at the time. And then it wasn’t for another fifteen years or so, the whipple fucking sent my body into every sort of spiral, and now each new cycle feels like the very embodiment of what’s happening: I can feel my insides tearing themselves apart, an angry cartoon uterus with talons for nails is shrieking about how she didn’t get her baby and she decorated the nursery for nothing, so now she’s stripping out the wallpaper. It’s me, I am the wallpaper. And the nursery. Honestly how this bitch thinks we are a suitable host for another human being is beyond me.
• Chronic pain, nausea, fatigue daily. (If you haven’t heard of or recently read the initial story of the Spoon Theory, I encourage you to take a pause and do so now! It is beautifully written, and that link should open in a new tab for you.) I already have a low starting amount, and being unwell for so many days back to back, unable to eat but equally unable to revive my body without nutrition, I pull from tomorrow’s spoons, and the next day’s, and the next, and soon it is a game of just playing catch up, a hope that there is a breaking even to the surface before my lungs give out.
• The extra spoons required of going to appointments, having scans done with contrast drinks that will make me ill and shit uncontrollably for the next three days, anxiety attacks in the parking lot because remember that time you went into anaphylaxis and had to be rushed to the ER during a routine CT scan but no one seems to take that seriously???, or even seemingly unrelated things like getting my third COVID vaccine, but it was back-to-back with my injection, so my body completely shut down as a trauma response to pain and blacking out for several days? So those we can just pepper in at random, once or twice a month?

Let’s call it nine or ten out of every thirty or so days that are guaranteed to be harder than the rest, and additional five will be make-up days, where nothing is actively working against me but I’m recuperating from those combined nine or ten. And that’s being optimistic, I think. Maybe I’ll track it all in a calendar for awhile. Fifteen or so days that I won’t be feeling even my “bottom-of-the-line” functional. Fifteen days I won’t be up for cooking dinner, or taking my kid to her events, or answering texts, or --
The odds are not great on any given day of any given month. And it’s just, this, forever. Every four, six, weeks, for eternity, until the flesh heap fails.

Photo Credit: Twitter

I fumble to call my husband midway through typing the above.
It’s the fourth or fifth time this morning, just a couple hours long so far, that I’ve had a wave of hunger grip tightly at my stomach, immediately overpowered by another, larger wave—a more physical wave that sits me bolt-upright and has me gasping little breaths. My mouth becomes hot and fills with saliva that I know if I swallow will produce vomiting. Do not, I instruct myself firmly. You will not vomit today.
I don’t often get hunger-pain messages; usually by the time I do I’m already shaking and well aware I need to eat because it’s been 18 hours since my last nutrition. They are often accompanied with nausea, though not normally as extreme as today.
The second day of your cycle is always the worst, my brain informs me.
How do I know that? I ask back. It feels familiar; maybe just something I’ve noticed over time? My brain doesn’t bother shedding any other insight.
I stare at my phone. I dont know what shop he’s in right now, and his cell doesn’t have enough service. I call the quarterdeck, and whoever answers kindly asks me to repeat what I’ve said. I take another sip of air, as deep as my shallow rib cage will let me--why doesn’t it expand?—and repeat. I am transferred; whether to the wrong shop or he’s just not there, but the next person asks if they should take a message or go get him, he’s in another shop nearby. I ask for him. A couple minutes. Gage picks up, unaware of who it is, which then catches me off guard, I’m not sure why.
“Hi, hi it’s me, I’m here.” Stumbling. Words are stupid.
“Ah—what?” I hear the recognition in his voice, he just hasn’t caught my babble.
“Hi hey babe it’s me and I’m here!” I pant in a short staccato. “Hey um how is work, like is work good, is work busy? … Yeah can I like get food delivered or do you think you can bring some home, can you leave?” It’s panicky, apologetic and rushed. I’m so sorry to inconvenience you with my inability to feed myself but everything I have looked at in the house is repulsive and punches me in the gag reflex, I would like to order an overpriced soup to be delivered to our door or if you could casually leave your career at ten thirty am that would be really cool hey thanks!
He doesn’t see it that way, I know this, but I do.
We talk about his work day and what option is fastest; I’ll order food for the both of us and he’ll come home after he finishes up some stuff so he can catch Cake off the bus.
I tell him thanks babe, love you, see you eventually, but somewhere in there I whisper too, “I’m sorry.” And then I am suddenly crying, shrieking how yesterday I did SUCH a good job eating, yesterday I made breakfast AND lunch and they were really really good but I wanted rice with my eggs so last night I set aside a breakfast portion of rice, just for this morning! And I cry, and scream about eggs and rice, and he is silent, listening. Present, but what can he do but encourage me to order the one thing my body has decided it will allow?
“I’m sorry, babe,” he says softly.
“Thanks, I know. I’m sorry. I’m not mad at you, I’m just… mad.”
I’m just, mad. That’s one of my common phrases, too.


The order arrives as I am still working, and while it was the soup I craved, I’ve become fixated on my half-sandwich in the time it took for it to arrive, and I am taking out huge chunks ravenously, immediately. I get about three bites in before realizing my mistake; take a fourth for good measure, and pack it up just as quickly, right back into it’s wrapper. Snug, so I cannot smell it, and push it far away, out of sight. Open the straw wrapper (shame), say a prayer for a the turtles, and sip the coffee to get the reminder of sandwich far away from me. You will not vomit today, I remind myself.

​I head outside, smoke the remainder of my medicine from an earlier bowl. In short minutes, there is the ebb of relief, the sense of the nausea wave settling down and flowing back out calmly to sea. I am pleased, because I will not vomit today, not this round. And my face involuntarily scrunches up at the frustration I feel every time I acknowledge how well cannabis works and how much of a struggle it is for medical patients to get accurate, appropriate care, information, treatment … but ah Erin, another tale of a writing for another time.
I come in, calmly and easily sip up half of my soup, and feel full. Content even, I’ve eaten a good amount of food for a meal. Hell, I’ve now eaten a good amount of food for the day, by some of my standards.
…. It is half of a you-pick-two.
And it is monumental.
And stupid, and frustrating.
A fellow cancer patient said to me, “I don’t want to be strong, I want my body to work like it’s supposed to.”
And for sure, I’m writing about the worst things right now. There are the good days, okay days, the holy-freaking-fuck I did it! fantastic days, and the ones where you feel the best you think you’ve ever felt before, at least in this version of your life!
They exist. But the odds? The odds are never in our fucking favor.